Well kinda! I am over a hundred pages into it. Sometimes I really love the story other times I’m just like gosh I’m the worst writer ever! But I know doubt is just created by fear. I really enjoy this series. I’m already excited about starting the next novel in it.
I wish my words would come out as good as they are when I hear them in my head. I know some days I feel I write really great other day it is okay. Some days you feel it some days you don’t. And that is ok. That’s why you do a lot of revision. I’m slowly starting on my other series and trying to start a tween novel. I just cannot wait to have The Ashes of Amour in my hands!
I have all these ideas in my head for horror novels and action novels. And I always play through them in my head like movies and I enjoy them and I even get shocked when twist happens. It’s funny I’ll impressed myself when I do that. Yet sometimes when I go to write I just stare at the blank page on the screen wondering what the heck I’m supposed to do.
I know it’ll be okay as long as I just start typing. But I really need to hurry and start writing more. I know slow and steady is good and I shouldn’t try to hurry with anything. And I’m not. But the fear of waiting just really gets to me sometimes. I want to more out there… I feel so lazy at times.
The other day I was working out and watching True Blood and the main character Sookie was explaining something to her ex vampire lover Bill. She was talking about being on a ride and how it wasn’t scary but the wait for the ride was. She said she didn’t know when they were going to drop them or how long it would last. And she said that was the worst part… the wait.
I completely agree with her. I’m terrified of the wait. How long am I going to have to wait until I have my dream job? How long am I going to have to wait until I’m out of retail? How long am I going to have to wait until my books take off and people start noticing me? How long is it going to take to get into shape? How long is the wait?
The wait is extremely terrifying. Because even though you know you’ll get through things or that you’re strong and you were able to overcome things before. You don’t know how long it’s going to last before you do. The ‘how long is it going to take’ before my books get noticed is something that really sinks deep. I have a job now and I’m grateful but it’s not what I want to do for the rest of my life. The ‘how long is it going to take’ to get out of that and into what I really want to do… That wait crushes me bad somedays.
I know all I can do is just write and market as best as I can. And just not worry about the future or things I cannot change. Some days I can and it’s okay. Other days I’m sitting there staring at something just wondering how long I’m going to have to be there. There’s these worlds in my head that I just love and there’s these people that I know in my head that I adore. I know other people would too. And I know that’s kind of conceited but if there’s anything that I’m actually confident about it’s my stories and the worlds that I create.
I know I have to be brave and confident and just keep writing. I may not be the greatest writer but I am good and my stories are good. I’ll get better as I write more. Someday I’ll be able to say I make a living off of writing. It may not be soon or maybe it will I don’t know. I just have to believe it will and that I’ll be okay and just keep writing and never stop. Just because I stumble and fall sometimes does not mean it is forever. Just because the wait seems like forever does not mean it will be.