Starting over :)

Bonjour! Just wanted to give a few updates about my writing and things. I recently took all of my books off of Amazon so that I can rewrite them. I want to focus on new projects and make better decisions. Currently I’m doing a good job at rewriting the first book of Amour! Then I will focus on the second one and by that time I probably will be finished with the third book. I’d like to release it all at once! To be honest I probably won’t be releasing any books this year. I would love to but to be realistic I’m trying to take my time and focus on writing better. Not that my stories were bad before! They were perfectly fine. I’ve just gotten a lot better at my writing voice and I just want to put my new voice in with my material.

I’ve definitely learned a lot in the past couple of years about writing and the process. I think I’ve definitely gotten better with many things and I understand things better. I really just want my books out there for people to read and be known for them. However, I must be patient. Someday maybe I’ll be recognized for my writing and I’ll be quite excited! If that never happens, I will survive. If I’m just a low-key writer that no one really knows about, that’s okay! I write because I love creating. It makes me happy! If people enjoy my writing and stories that’s wonderful. If others think it’s trash that’s okay too and if most people don’t know I exist. Oh well. They’re missing out heh.

I’m just recreating my process so that it can be better. Figuring out easier ways to keep track of my stories and finish them. My goal is to always write no matter what. People will judge me and you know? That just says more about them than me. I’m not the greatest writer in the world and that’s okay! No one really is. Everyone has their flaws. I’m still learning everyday and I’m grateful that I can.

With life I’ve just been trying to focus on a healthier positive life. I’ve lost around 20lb since I started counting calories last year! I’m super excited about that. But, recently I’ve Hit a wall with weight loss. Mostly because of my food addiction! I’m constantly craving food no matter what and I know that’s due to my anxiety and depression. I have to try to work through it and remind myself that even though food is delicious it can be the enemy. I’ve come a long way and I don’t want to mess up my progress. I’m starting to see if a therapist and though nothing really has come out of it yet I’m hoping that it helps me build my self-esteem and confidence up. I still struggle with self-doubt, self-love, and feeling worthless most days. I know I shouldn’t feel those ways but When your mind is your worst enemy it’s difficult to overcome.

I am grateful for my life and especially my job! And I’m happy that things aren’t worse. But we all struggle with different demons and different life issues. No one can compare their struggles to others or say that someone else’s struggles isn’t that big of a deal because it’s not as bad as theirs. Honestly that’s quite mean and disrespectful. We’re all in this crazy world together and we all have our issues. The last thing we need to be doing is judging others for their battles. I know that I’ll never be a hundred percent okay. That I’ll probably have anxiety and depression for the rest of my life and that’s okay.

Just because you suffer from some issue doesn’t mean you can’t be happy or enjoy life. I’m going to be 29 in July and I want it to be a great year. I know 2020 has been really messed up because the Corona virus! But I do believe we will overcome it. In the past I allowed my anxiety and depression and my fears to hold me back from actually living. Yes I have a lot of regret and sadness because of that. However, I can’t let it hold me down and keep me hostage. I need to learn to forgive myself and let go. Also I want to make my 30s the best damn years! I want to go on adventures and try new things and meet new people. I didn’t date at all in my twenties and I regret that most of all. It’s definitely made me struggle with trying to date now. I’m constantly terrified to put myself out there because of my low self-esteem… It constantly tells me that I’m ugly and no one will love me. Which I know isn’t true! But as I said before our minds are our worst enemy and they know exactly how to attack.

I want to find a relationship… maybe once this Coronavirus goes down. But I know building self-love and confidence is most important. Making myself happy and building more positive productive hobbies is the key to success. My life is honestly kind of boring and I’m okay with that! I can’t wait to start playing tennis more often and I can’t wait for things to start getting better so I can go on adventures. I already have my bucket list and I’m determined to completed. Something I want to do pretty soon is go zip lining, and cavern exploring, and more zoos around Texas.

I want to live. I cannot allow my anxiety/depression to hold me back from that. Some days are better than others and I’m grateful for my life and I’m so appreciated for everyone who’s in it. I’m also so happy about my job. On days that it gets difficult and my mind just wants to bury me in dark thoughts I try to remind myself of how far I’ve come. How I do deserve happiness and love. For all those out there struggling with any kind of issues remind yourself that you deserve a beautiful life. It’s definitely not easy! But we’re also not in this battle alone.

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